Nighttime Parenting

Let me start out by saying that this blog is not intended to offend anyone. This post is about the type of parenting style that we choose to use in our household and all the unsolicited advice that we have received since parenting this way.

Lately, I have been reading a lot of posts, tweets, and blogs about babies and sleep. It's no secret that Matt and I do not believe in sleep training. I am passionate about the research that looks at babies, brain development, and sleep. The conclusion for our family is that sleep training is not something we will ever use. It seems to cause a great deal of stress to the baby and, for us, it just doesn't feel right.

For Matt and I, when we hear Jayden crying at night, this means there is need that he has and it's our job as his mom and dad to help him with whatever that need may be. I know how controversial this topic can be for parents. I'm fascinated by this topic, since I almost always continue to get advice about letting my baby cry it out, or mom's asking if I did it in the first place.

What's most interesting to me is that when mom's give this advice, it is almost always followed up with a statement that sounds something like: "listening to your baby cry during this whole sleep training time is heartbreaking, but definitely worth it in the end." I struggle with this statement. If it's difficult to listen to your little one crying for hours every night, and your instinct is telling you how much it sucks, why is this such a great plan? And who is this great plan really for?

Now let me be clear, this is not a post intended to start a debate about sleep training. After all, what really matters in the end is that YOU are doing what's right for YOUR family! I just don't understand the advice that people give Matt and I, when it begins with how hard it will be to listen to our baby cry.

I wanted to blog about the idea that so many parents struggle with feeling like they have failed a portion of the parenting quiz if their little one isn't sleeping "perfectly," or even "well" for that matter. I think there are more parents out there than we know who do not have a baby that sleeps perfectly. It makes it seem that those of us whose babies are not sleeping well by a certain age have done something wrong in our parenting. In our society, we hear and talk about all the "good sleepers" and reward ourselves with accolades once we've accomplished this task of getting our babies to sleep though the night (or take nice long naps throughout the day). Our pediatricians make us feel bad if our babies aren't sleeping a certain amount of hours by x amount of months. In fact, they may advise you to "let him cry, he'll learn that it's time to sleep, period." This was the wonderful unsolicited advice that our pediatrician gave to us.

Parent's who don't use a CIO method often feel bad about the fact that their child doesn't sleep well and on top of that, they don't feel like they have a right to even complain for a minute when they are struggling. As a mom parenting a high needs baby, I have definitely had my share of frustrating and tiring evenings. Last night, for example, it took Matt and I over an hour to get Jayden to sleep. He was just having a clingy, please don't put me down by myself in my crib, kind of night. Now to be fair, he has been sick this past week, but this is not the first time we have had a long haul at putting Jayden to bed. I'm tired and spent, but I knew, in my heart, that Jayden needed something and that is why he cried every time we put him down. After trying an array of things, he finally fell soundly asleep with his favorite blanket, happily until morning.

I think what I struggle with the most is that parents whose babies are not "good sleepers" often feel alone, stressed out, and frustrated, especially if they are choosing not to use a cry it out method. They don't always have a lot of support from family, since many of their family members are the ones telling them to use cry it out. They often do not feel like they have anyone to talk to since everyone seems to have a "good sleeper."  Plus, everyone seems to have done some type of sleep training to get there. It's interesting because I can think of 3 new mom friends who have shared how much grief they have gotten from other parents, or their families, about how poorly their child sleeps and that they just need to let their baby cry. This seems to imply that it's the parent's fault that their child isn't sleeping well. Let's not take into account that some babies are just not great sleepers. Forcing them to do so, would be exhausting, stressful and difficult. In the end, there are many families who do sleep training and at some point in the development and growth of their baby, the sleeping is no longer "perfect." Babies go through growth spurts, teething, sickness, loneliness, nightmares, temperature changes, and an endless list of a 1/2 dozen other things, causing their sleep cycle to be disrupted.

There is no question that Jayden is a high-needs baby. The challenges that this little man has brought into our lives are filled with his surprising need for such little sleep, constant motion and movement every second of the day, and his determination to do what it is he wants to do. He is not a child that would have successfully made it through a CIO trial. His personality would have been stifled, in my opinion, and his spirit would have changed. Of course, I am banking on the fact that our next baby will be an AMAZING sleeper! Ha, and if that's not the case, you may find me drinking a bottle of wine every single night. No, but seriously, every child is so different, which means our chances are good. :)

In the end, aside from doing what feels right for your family, it's important to not push what you do on other people's families. We feel comfortable and confident in the choices we are making as Jayden's parents. We see his Independence and confidence developing because of our attachment parenting style. We are human, so of course we'll have frustrating times and the CIO method may even sounds good to us in those moments. But, I am comforted in the fact that Jayden will not always be little and he will not always want me to rock or nurse him to sleep. So I enjoy these moments while they are still around.

Now let's check in with our busy little man...