Yikes! Where do I even begin? You know I have to comment on the craziness of this controversial TIME cover. I am sad and angry that this cover has created so much debate between parenting styles and choices. I am frustrated that this mom thought this would be a good representation of what attachment parenting looks like. This is an extreme!! It's an extreme version of what this mom chooses to do in her home. It is NOT a fair or accurate overview of what attachment parenting looks like for everyone. Frankly, it gives attachment parenting and extended breastfeeding a bad name.
Nothing about this picture makes me think of nurture or affection. Mom is practically glaring at the camera as if to say, "I'm the perfect mom for breastfeeding this long, what the heck is the matter with you?!" Obviously TIME magazine was going for the shock factor, at the expense of parents who really do love and understand attachment parenting. Now, we all look nuts!
I am not shy about the fact that I have continued to breastfeed Jayden past the age of one. I have done so because it's been comfortable and natural for both of us to continue. I have no idea how long we will do this or what it will look like when we come to a place that nursing is no longer the norm. I do know that it's a very personal decision for each family and that no one should judge when enough is enough. I also know that it has to be comfortable for both mom and baby. One of my closest girlfriends decided around 8 months to wean because nursing was just a struggle between her and her baby. It was filled with biting and a variety of gymnastic moves on the part of her little one. It was just time. My other good friend nursed her two little ones until they turned 3. Regardless of what age, each mom made a decision that worked perfectly for her family.
The mom in this cover photo is clearly making a choice for her family. I don't appreciate the way she shared this choice. I could see if maybe the child was sitting on her lap and they were looking at one another, or in a more natural position. Or maybe this mom really does nurse her 3 year old standing on a chair wearing a trendy outfit and looking "oh so cool." Good for her, but most mom's I know do not nurse this way.
There is an overall basic idea behind the meaning of attachment parenting. Beyond those key points, it's personalized for what works in your family. No two families parent exactly the same. I recently saw a Facebook post that summed up AP well:
"Attachment parenting just means you hold your kid when he or she needs holding, for as long as they need holding. It means slings and kangaroo pouch holders and carrying them instead of putting them in a stroller or letting them fuss for a while...because you think it'll somehow toughen them up. It means breastfeeding until at least a full year and if you're following the World Health Organization guidelines, until age two. It means not ignoring them when they cry and realizing not all kids can be left on their own to fend for themselves as infants or toddlers. It can -- but doesn't have to -- mean co-sleeping (in bed), which in my case was the only way to get any sleep while nursing."
I love how this mom described what attachment parenting typically looks like. Attachment parenting is about being responsive to a child’s needs for closeness, not about interfering with their natural drive toward independence. I believe that little ones need a solid foundation of closeness before authentic, age-appropriate independence can take place.
The theme of my blog always seems to go back to this statement. YOU need to do what feels right in YOUR family! Please don't assume that all breastfeeding attachment moms look like the one in this cover story. Please understand that every family is different and works their butt off parenting the best they can for their babies. Period! Why all the hate? Why all the judgement? Please do your own research and learn about the benefits of extended breastfeeding before passing judgements on mom's who chose to continue nursing past the age of 1. I will end with this awesome article that takes a look at some of those benefits. Educate yourself on anything parenting before you make a negative comment or harsh judgement on what a mom, or dad, decides to do in loving on their baby. After all, Jayden is one of the happiest, independant, loving, and social babies I know. :) Extended breastfeeding and attachement parenting has worked for us and we are a very happy family. Isn't that all that matters in the end?
I am compelled to comment not because I believe that women should or shouldn't consider extended breastfeeding, but rather because I see something worrisome happening all around me today. Christian men and women are being by their emotions, what they "feel is right for their individual families" as if what the Word of God says has nothing to bear on the choices they make regarding the family. Extended breastfeeding(as with many family/parenting choices) is not directly addressed in the Bible, but that doesn't mean that we can do whatever we "feel" like. I am continually brought back to Philippians 2:3 "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves." This is crucial in parenting by the Word, Biblical parenting is not always easy or comfortable, it's about choosing what is right and training our child in the way they should go. To that end, a mother must examine her motives: "Am I choosing this this because it gives me importance and means I'm needed? Does my child need nourishment from the breast he cannot get anywhere else? Am I holding on to a connection or stage that I am afraid to grow beyond? Whose philosophy am I submitting myself to, God's or man's?" Each woman and child are unique, so each Christian mother is responsible for examining herself in the light of God's Word. She avoids the dangers of being led astray by her emotions when she continually consults the Word and examines herself and her intentions before God.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sharing your thoughts, Amber. Matt and I have definitely made choices based on what Jayden's needs have been. The bottom line for us is that we show him love, and he knows we are here for him. Having a happy and healthy child who loves Jesus and knows how to love others without judgment is what's important to us and our parenting. God created me to have mothering instincts that directs me in what we are choosing to do in raising our family. That’s what feels natural and right. Each family needs to figure out and learn what works and what is natural for them. God will lead the way if you let Him. Hope you are feeling good these days.
DeleteShame on time magazine for all the reasons you mentioned (the staging of the photo, etc), and also for finding a three year old that looks six, just to add to the shock factor. Great post!
ReplyDeleteAgree, Sarah!! Thanks for the sweet compliment. Love seeing pictures of that beautiful baby of yours! Hope you are doing wonderfully, mama! :)
DeleteI totally aree with you. This picture was just for the shock factor and just causes more judgement among moms. WIth things like how long you should breastfeed, there really is no "right" or "wrong" answer. It drives me nuts that people think THEY can judge another mom's heart, another family's parenting style, another person's actions. Though the Bible doesn't give clear definitions on the age of which to wean, it does use the terms both "infant" and "child" in verses about nursing and weaning. There is no right or wrong answer. God gives us our intuition for a reason. He uses it to guide us. When we have a relationship with God, are studying his word, are praying about what he wants for our family, and are letting Him guide us, then we are doing what we are supposed to for our family, whatever that may look like. Maybe it means using formula, or nursing for six months, or maybe nursing for 4 years. He IS very clear, though, that we are not to judge each other. I love Matthew 7:1-2:
ReplyDeleteJudge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
For my family, we decided to nurse our children until they were three. While I understand this may not be right for every family or situation, it was right for us.