Enough is Enough!

Yikes! Where do I even begin? You know I have to comment on the craziness of this controversial TIME cover. I am sad and angry that this cover has created so much debate between parenting styles and choices. I am frustrated that this mom thought this would be a good representation of what attachment parenting looks like. This is an extreme!! It's an extreme version of what this mom chooses to do in her home. It is NOT a fair or accurate overview of what attachment parenting looks like for everyone. Frankly, it gives attachment parenting and extended breastfeeding a bad name.

Nothing about this picture makes me think of nurture or affection. Mom is practically glaring at the camera as if to say, "I'm the perfect mom for breastfeeding this long, what the heck is the matter with you?!" Obviously TIME magazine was going for the shock factor, at the expense of parents who really do love and understand attachment parenting. Now, we all look nuts!

I am not shy about the fact that I have continued to breastfeed Jayden past the age of one. I have done so because it's been comfortable and natural for both of us to continue. I have no idea how long we will do this or what it will look like when we come to a place that nursing is no longer the norm. I do know that it's a very personal decision for each family and that no one should judge when enough is enough. I also know that it has to be comfortable for both mom and baby. One of my closest girlfriends decided around 8 months to wean because nursing was just a struggle between her and her baby. It was filled with biting and a variety of gymnastic moves on the part of her little one. It was just time. My other good friend nursed her two little ones until they turned 3. Regardless of what age, each mom made a decision that worked perfectly for her family.

The mom in this cover photo is clearly making a choice for her family. I don't appreciate the way she shared this choice. I could see if maybe the child was sitting on her lap and they were looking at one another, or in a more natural position. Or maybe this mom really does nurse her 3 year old standing on a chair wearing a trendy outfit and looking "oh so cool." Good for her, but most mom's I know do not nurse this way.

There is an overall basic idea behind the meaning of attachment parenting. Beyond those key points, it's personalized for what works in your family. No two families parent exactly the same. I recently saw a Facebook post that summed up AP well:

"Attachment parenting just means you hold your kid when he or she needs holding, for as long as they need holding. It means slings and kangaroo pouch holders and carrying them instead of putting them in a stroller or letting them fuss for a while...because you think it'll somehow toughen them up. It means breastfeeding until at least a full year and if you're following the World Health Organization guidelines, until age two. It means not ignoring them when they cry and realizing not all kids can be left on their own to fend for themselves as infants or toddlers. It can -- but doesn't have to -- mean co-sleeping (in bed), which in my case was the only way to get any sleep while nursing."

I love how this mom described what attachment parenting typically looks like. Attachment parenting is about being responsive to a child’s needs for closeness, not about interfering with their natural drive toward independence. I believe that little ones need a solid foundation of closeness before authentic, age-appropriate independence can take place.

The theme of my blog always seems to go back to this statement. YOU need to do what feels right in YOUR family! Please don't assume that all breastfeeding attachment moms look like the one in this cover story. Please understand that every family is different and works their butt off parenting the best they can for their babies. Period! Why all the hate? Why all the judgement? Please do your own research and learn about the benefits of extended breastfeeding before passing judgements on mom's who chose to continue nursing past the age of 1. I will end with this awesome article that takes a look at some of those benefits. Educate yourself on anything parenting before you make a negative comment or harsh judgement on what a mom, or dad, decides to do in loving on their baby. After all, Jayden is one of the happiest, independant, loving, and social babies I know. :)  Extended breastfeeding and attachement parenting has worked for us and we are a very happy family. Isn't that all that matters in the end? 

http://voices.yahoo.com/happy-healthy-baby-benefits-extended-breastfeeding-259621.html?cat=25

Nighttime Parenting

Let me start out by saying that this blog is not intended to offend anyone. This post is about the type of parenting style that we choose to use in our household and all the unsolicited advice that we have received since parenting this way.

Lately, I have been reading a lot of posts, tweets, and blogs about babies and sleep. It's no secret that Matt and I do not believe in sleep training. I am passionate about the research that looks at babies, brain development, and sleep. The conclusion for our family is that sleep training is not something we will ever use. It seems to cause a great deal of stress to the baby and, for us, it just doesn't feel right.

For Matt and I, when we hear Jayden crying at night, this means there is need that he has and it's our job as his mom and dad to help him with whatever that need may be. I know how controversial this topic can be for parents. I'm fascinated by this topic, since I almost always continue to get advice about letting my baby cry it out, or mom's asking if I did it in the first place.

What's most interesting to me is that when mom's give this advice, it is almost always followed up with a statement that sounds something like: "listening to your baby cry during this whole sleep training time is heartbreaking, but definitely worth it in the end." I struggle with this statement. If it's difficult to listen to your little one crying for hours every night, and your instinct is telling you how much it sucks, why is this such a great plan? And who is this great plan really for?

Now let me be clear, this is not a post intended to start a debate about sleep training. After all, what really matters in the end is that YOU are doing what's right for YOUR family! I just don't understand the advice that people give Matt and I, when it begins with how hard it will be to listen to our baby cry.

I wanted to blog about the idea that so many parents struggle with feeling like they have failed a portion of the parenting quiz if their little one isn't sleeping "perfectly," or even "well" for that matter. I think there are more parents out there than we know who do not have a baby that sleeps perfectly. It makes it seem that those of us whose babies are not sleeping well by a certain age have done something wrong in our parenting. In our society, we hear and talk about all the "good sleepers" and reward ourselves with accolades once we've accomplished this task of getting our babies to sleep though the night (or take nice long naps throughout the day). Our pediatricians make us feel bad if our babies aren't sleeping a certain amount of hours by x amount of months. In fact, they may advise you to "let him cry, he'll learn that it's time to sleep, period." This was the wonderful unsolicited advice that our pediatrician gave to us.

Parent's who don't use a CIO method often feel bad about the fact that their child doesn't sleep well and on top of that, they don't feel like they have a right to even complain for a minute when they are struggling. As a mom parenting a high needs baby, I have definitely had my share of frustrating and tiring evenings. Last night, for example, it took Matt and I over an hour to get Jayden to sleep. He was just having a clingy, please don't put me down by myself in my crib, kind of night. Now to be fair, he has been sick this past week, but this is not the first time we have had a long haul at putting Jayden to bed. I'm tired and spent, but I knew, in my heart, that Jayden needed something and that is why he cried every time we put him down. After trying an array of things, he finally fell soundly asleep with his favorite blanket, happily until morning.

I think what I struggle with the most is that parents whose babies are not "good sleepers" often feel alone, stressed out, and frustrated, especially if they are choosing not to use a cry it out method. They don't always have a lot of support from family, since many of their family members are the ones telling them to use cry it out. They often do not feel like they have anyone to talk to since everyone seems to have a "good sleeper."  Plus, everyone seems to have done some type of sleep training to get there. It's interesting because I can think of 3 new mom friends who have shared how much grief they have gotten from other parents, or their families, about how poorly their child sleeps and that they just need to let their baby cry. This seems to imply that it's the parent's fault that their child isn't sleeping well. Let's not take into account that some babies are just not great sleepers. Forcing them to do so, would be exhausting, stressful and difficult. In the end, there are many families who do sleep training and at some point in the development and growth of their baby, the sleeping is no longer "perfect." Babies go through growth spurts, teething, sickness, loneliness, nightmares, temperature changes, and an endless list of a 1/2 dozen other things, causing their sleep cycle to be disrupted.

There is no question that Jayden is a high-needs baby. The challenges that this little man has brought into our lives are filled with his surprising need for such little sleep, constant motion and movement every second of the day, and his determination to do what it is he wants to do. He is not a child that would have successfully made it through a CIO trial. His personality would have been stifled, in my opinion, and his spirit would have changed. Of course, I am banking on the fact that our next baby will be an AMAZING sleeper! Ha, and if that's not the case, you may find me drinking a bottle of wine every single night. No, but seriously, every child is so different, which means our chances are good. :)

In the end, aside from doing what feels right for your family, it's important to not push what you do on other people's families. We feel comfortable and confident in the choices we are making as Jayden's parents. We see his Independence and confidence developing because of our attachment parenting style. We are human, so of course we'll have frustrating times and the CIO method may even sounds good to us in those moments. But, I am comforted in the fact that Jayden will not always be little and he will not always want me to rock or nurse him to sleep. So I enjoy these moments while they are still around.

Now let's check in with our busy little man...