Has it really been 10 years?! I can't believe my birth son is 10 years old today! What an amazingly beautiful baby boy he was! Tears fill my eyes as I remember those first few moments, just he and I. After a long night of waiting for him to come, he was finally here and he looked perfect! I am so grateful to God who gave me the strength to get through my pregnancy during my final college years, meet and pick out a family, and place my son for adoption. It was a scary, lonely, and a sad time in my life, but the ending...what a perfect ending!
God knew the plans for this little one, He knew the plans for me! He knew that Andrew's parents would be the perfect family for him. He knew that I would go through the grief and come out on the other side happy and thankful for my choice. He knew that I would have an incredible bond with Tom and Karen, who are such special people in my heart. He knew that Andrew would have a little brother from Korea a few years later and that they would have the best life growing up together in such a loving home. He knew that Andrew and I would have an open adoption and be in each other's lives forever. God knew exactly what the plan was, and I am so blessed to have gone through what I did.
My path has been shaped by that time and those choices. I have spent the last 5 years working with mamas in crisis just like I found myself in college. I have loved on them, supported them, and walked with them through the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy. I understand the fear, the hurt, the sadness, the hopelessness. But, I also understand that there is light, hope, and endless possibilities when you give everything over to God. It's amazing what His love, grace, and mercy can do in your life. I am proof that out of difficult situations comes peace and joy.
I love you Andrew. I love you SO much that I made the best plan that I knew to give you a life of happiness and contentment. I would have loved to be your mama for life, but I understood that giving you the things that I could not provide at the time, were so much more important than trying to figure it out along the way. For me, it was important that you had a mom AND a dad, that you had no financial stresses to worry about. It was important that you had a mom who could stay at home with you, spoil you, hold you, and play with you whenever you needed it. It was important that you had everything that I would have wanted to give you and just was not in the best place in my life to do so.
What is special Andrew, is that I have been able to get my life together since that moment I said goodbye to you. I have been able to get on a great path and give back to others. I've been able to fall in love with a beautiful man who thinks you are just the most special 10 year old kid around. I have been able to grow in Christ's love and deepen my relationship with God. I have been able to have a beautiful baby who is now your 1/2 brother and we are excited for you to meet him this summer. I have been able to be a special person in your life and you in mine. I thank God for your mom and dad, your baby brother, and you, everyday!!
Happy Birthday, Andrew! 10 years has flown by. What a pleasure it has been to see you grow over these 10 years. May God continue to bless you and keep you safe and happy. I love you always and forever!
I'm in love with this face forever!! What happiness and adventure you have brought to this home baby J. I just wanted to celebrate you with these beautiful pictures taken by our friend, Kristen. Looking forward to all the years ahead with you and our wonderful family! Mama loves you!!
I simply cannot believe that you are a one year old already! What happened to that first year! I remember the moment I woke up at 2:30am on February 17th and knew that it was time. You were on your way, ready or not. Your dad and I were so excited those last few weeks. We tried waiting patiently for you (well your dad was patiently waiting), but I was so impatient! I could not wait to hold you, love you, rock you, and have you in our arms. I woke up that early morning with some wicked contractions. And since we had a false alarm two weeks previous, I took my time in thinking about going to the hospital just yet. After walking around the house for a bit and trying to lay back down to go to sleep, I discovered that this was indeed the real deal! My contractions where minutes apart and getting stronger as I got dressed. By the time your dad loaded the car and made sure everything was in order for our dog Willow, I was in full blown labor.
We raced to the car and thankfully it was 3:30 in the morning, so driving 95mph down the 101 was not a problem. It was a good thing too, Jayden, because I thought I might have you right there in that car. I counted each exit, breathing through contractions, and kept asking your dad how many more exits until ours. We pulled into the lot and jumped out of the car. It was a cold night, even though the days were a perfect 70 degrees. We rushed into the hospital doors where your dad told the security guard at the front desk that we were on our way to labor and delivery. I was unable to speak much at that point and kept thinking that all I wanted was an epidural the second we got up to the floor. Ha, the joke was on me with that thought! :)
Once we arrived on the floor and were whisked away into a triage room, I quickly got my gown on and continued to breathe through each contraction. I would say that at that point I lost some control and may have actually been hyperventilating. You see, little man, you were ready and I was not prepared for just how fast everything was about to happen. As a nurse came into the room to put an IV in my hand, she told me to "stop breathing so hard, you'll hyperventilate." What I really wanted to do was punch her in the face, but of course I simply told her I was trying my best. The next nurse came into the room and told me that she would be calling my doctor and that you would be here in the next 30-40 minutes. What!! Wait, what about my epidural, to get me in a calm and relaxed place, to get this crazy intense "I feel like I'm going to die" pain under control?!? Ha! Oh Jayden, you knew exactly when you were ready and there was no time for this and that...it was time to get it together, mama!
As your dad and I were wheeled down the hall to a delivery room, the nurse shared with us just how busy that night in the labor and delivery was. It was a full moon, and babies were being born left and right. Your dad was excited, nervous, and handling me and my panic so very well! He did his very best to try and calm me, love me, and remind me that I could do this. He was in one word - amazing!
Well, son, there is not much more to this story, other than you showed up about 40 minutes after we arrived at that hospital. It was the fastest delivery in the history of deliveries. Ok, I'm sure that's not true, but it was unbelievably fast! There was no epidural after all, but in the end, I loved that! And, as crazy as this sounds, I'd like to do it that way next time (well, as long as your brother or sister has a plan like yours).
It's true that having a baby changes everything. Oh and what a challenging little baby you were, Jayden. As much as I fantasized about what life would look like with a new baby, I understood the realities as well. I knew that we would never know what sleep was again, or how difficult leaving you with a sitter may feel like, or how eating a meal would look totally different than actually sitting down nicely and enjoying it. But once you came, my eyes filled with tears and my heart exploded with happiness. You were perfect and your dad and I in complete love with you, as tiny as you were. I say tiny because now you are enormous my little one year old!
The first few days were perfect! It was you, me and your dad in our safe little cocoon of joy. Such special memories that I will always and forever hold onto. Giving you your first bath - oh what a sight that was! Your dad and I were nervous because you were so helpless and tiny. We locked ourselves in the bathroom, turned on the shower so the room was like a sauna so it was warm and cozy for you. We loaded up your baby bath with a million blankets to make it soft and comfy, and placed you gently inside. I don't think you really got that clean since we were afraid to uncover your tiny body completely for fear of making you cold. In the end it was the experience that your dad and I had together with our first beautiful baby. You must have peed on the bed about 50 times that first week, but we laughed and enjoyed that special time as a family. I thought to myself often that this time will never be repeated since you are our very first. The next time around, we'll have you running the house with a newborn. Ha, that will be a sight one day!
Jayden, you have brought your dad and I endless contentment. We have LOVED every moment with you this first year, even the ones where we thought we would lose our minds from your colic. You were a challenging baby, but we feel like we can handle any baby now! So thank you for that! God gave us the most perfect, difficult, lovable, non-sleeping, beautiful, happy baby boy for our family. We are blessed. This first year has been filled with the ups and downs of figuring out this whole parenting things. We have more love in our hearts for you than we can even describe in words.
So, I end with our wishes, hopes, prayers, and dreams for you. We want you to know God, love Jesus, have happiness, be kind, enjoy life, work hard, and be proud of being you! We will walk alongside you through this entire journey for as long as we can. Thank you Jayden for bringing laughter and love into our home and lives every single day! We love you always and forever no matter what!
Matt and I often talk about how we plan to raise our children. We discuss the importance of truth in our family, how my children will know about my beautiful birth son and his family. There will be no secrets or hidden stories as to what challenges life has handed Matt and I, and how we learned from our mistakes. We share our fears in what the world can do to our children, but know that we will do everything in our power to give our little ones the tools they need to be successful. And most importantly, we pray that they make the best choices and decisions when it comes to drugs, sex, and friends. We try not to worry too much, since we know that together as a team we will do our very best, and the rest is in God's hands.
Most recently, thanks to the wonderful world of Pinterest, Matt and I created our top 5 Spaetzel family rules. We sat down one evening after Jayden was soundly and sweetly sleeping, the dog had been walked, the dishes done, and a quiet moment for my hubby and I. We talked about what we wanted to teach our children and what would be the most important of these lessons. More than the accomplishments they will strive for in their own lives, Matt and I want our children to understand the importance of what they can do for others. We want to make sure they understand these five rules are the basis of what this family is about.
-Love Jesus: Knowing Him and how much he loves us, will give our children the understanding of how much they need to love others and never judge. Jesus loves all and so should our family. We are not above, better, or more perfect than anyone! My children will know that regardless of what controversies are out there and what messages the world may be telling them about a type of person or situation, they are to love all, just as Jesus did. After all, who did Jesus surround himself with? The Bible tells us that Jesus spent his time with the people whom the world called worthless, rejected by society, and those who felt unloved. Our children need to understand that they are not God and will not be the ones to judge the character of someone else. I also understand that nobody is perfect and that we will judge others. That is why we need Jesus and his love, grace, and mercy.
-Be Thankful: This is a big one! Regardless of how much or how little it seems that we have, we are truly blessed. We want our babies to know how thankful we need to be for what we have been given. We live in a country where we are free to do and say what we want, (with respect to our laws) without persecution or death, fear of being punished for our beliefs, or bombs going off right outside our front door. We have a home filled with love, family who adores us, and friends who bring joy to our hearts. What more could we want or need, for that matter. Teaching the concept of thankfulness is something Matt and I will never stop doing.
-Dream Big: Shoot for the stars and beyond! I know that sound cliche', but we want our children to know that they can do whatever they have in their hearts to do! What is their passion? What excites them inside? What gifts has God blessed them with that they will wake up everyday using? Matt and I want to encourage, foster, and remind our children to dream big in whatever their hearts desire.
-Show Love, Kindness, and Generosity to All: Despite what you all may think (ha), I was never part of the popular group at school. In fact growing up was tough at times for me. My dad is black and my mom is white, giving me the most awful combination of hair anyone could ever ask for. Even now as an adult, I spend hours at the hair salon putting chemicals on my head to straighten this crazy fro of mine. I was often made fun of for being different. I just didn't look like everyone else. Fair skin, kinky hair, big lips, and a ghetto booty-that's what I'm made of. And, as much as I appreciate and love my uniqueness now, as a child, it was tough. Sadly, some of the awful memories I have are of other kids picking on me, making fun of me, or passing around ruthless notes about how ugly, stupid, or unpopular I really was. It breaks my heart to think that Jayden may someday be subjected to the mean spirit of people in the world. So, in an effort to teach him something about love, kindness, and generosity, our family rule is to BE love, kindness, and generosity at all times with all people. Showing others love may help brighten their spirit and in turn they will also show others love. It's a pay it forward, kill em with kindness kind of rule. Just love on each other, people!
-Take Care of Each Other, Always: Remembering that as a family we need to be there for each other, lift one another up, support, encourage, and respect one another. If we can't do it in our family, how can we possibly share it with the world. Such a simple lesson and yet many struggle with it. My amazing mom always shared this thought with my brother and I. Being kind to each other will teach us to be kind to the world. Thank you mama.
So, there you have it! Our Spaetzel family rules. We will have them on our wall today, tomorrow, and always, to remind this family of how we should be living our lives. I know we'll make mistakes and that not one of us is perfect, but Matt and I will forever try to teach our babies to to be selfless in their actions and hearts. Simply put, to love all!
Well, once again I am WAY behind on blogging. It's really not a plan of mine to be blogging once every four months, but life is just crazy most weeks. As a full time mommy and work from home employee, day to day life is filled with emails, phone calls, baby play, rocking my little one to sleep for naps, cleaning, cooking, laughing, loving, and stressing over getting all my work done. Despite all the chaos, I love my life and am grateful for the opportunity to be at home with my son. God has blessed us immensely, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Being Jayden's mom is something that continues to make my heart smile. I can only imagine how much more fun Matt and I are in store for as Jayden continues to explore, grow, and change into a lovable toddler. In the meantime, I'd like to blog about something that has been driving me a little insane lately. As a new mom, it's pretty common to hear lots of the same questions, "Do you stay at home with your baby or do you work?", "How do you like being a mom?", and the ever famous, "When are you having another one?" The two questions that I hear most often, however, and that really seem to get under my skin lately are:
1) How long do you plan on nursing your baby?
and, wait for it...
2) Is he sleeping through the night yet?
We have chosen to do things a bit differently in our house. As I've shared in many of my previous posts, we are BIG attachment parenting parents. I have complete respect for whatever parenting style families choose, as long as their child has his/her needs met and is loved. The two questions that drive me the most crazy have a lot to do with our parenting style. So, to make things clear, here are my answers:
1) For as long as Jayden wants to nurse
2) No, he is not, AND I'm okay with that
Jayden has always been a high needs baby. From the moment he was born, he was a challenging little one for Matt and I. His newborn days were quite insane and we really didn't know if we would survive them - for real! But, Jayden eventually learned how to crawl at about 6 months and walk around 9 1/2 months and is now the happiest baby on the planet - well on Planet Spaetzel anyway. He just did not like the fact that he couldn't move, or do anything by himself. Ever. He's probably one of the busiest little boys I know. In fact, God must have a sense of humor blessing Matt and I with such a busy baby. It's almost funny how much I don't get done around here. Case in point:
Here's the deal. When it comes to nursing, I understand how much of a personal decision it is. Every mom has the right and choice to do what she feels is best for both her and her baby. In my case, Jayden is a baby who loves to nurse. It's comforting for him, especially at night, and I know how good it is for his little body, brain, and immune system. I have no issues with moms who choose not to breastfeed or decide to stop nursing at certain point. Please know that I'm not judging, nor should you. I think it's interesting that people always want to know how long a mom plans to nurse. Is it taboo? Is it detrimental to a child if he nurses past a certain age? Does it really matter how long he nurses?
There was a funny saying I read the other day, "My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard." Isn't that the truth?! Jayden is so happy and I LOVE our time together. It's special, and cozy and will one day be non-existent. So, in the meantime, we'll keep doing what works until it's time to stop and do something different.
As far as sleeping, what a crazy controversial topic this has been since I've been a new mom! People get all nuts about this idea of babies and sleep and what they should be doing and when. It's stressful to read all the research out there and have to think, "Am I doing the right thing?" "Is my kid going to be a mess in life from not having the "perfect" sleep habits?" Matt and I have had many conversations about this exact thought.
The thing is, you have to do what works for you and your family! You have to feel good about the choices you make for your kids and just do the best you can. For our little man, he needs some help to sooth himself to sleep. He loves to be rocked, bounced and snuggled before bed. We have never just put him in his crib and let him figure it out. He screamed and cried intensely the one time we tried and it just didn't feel right to us. If our parental instincts tell us that it's too hard and doesn't feel right, then its not going to be something that works for our family.
Jayden loves nursing throughout the night as well. He wakes up 2-4 times a night and immediately falls back to sleep once he's nursing. I don't know what his exact need is in that moment (bad dreams, hungry, cold, lonely), but whatever it is he needs comfort to get back to sleep and I'm happy to give it to him. He sleeps in his crib some nights and with us in our bed other nights. In the end, we do what we need to do, to help everyone get some rest.
We parent the way we do because we feel that this teaches Jayden trust and indepedence. I can remember way back when (10 years ago to be exact..wow, I'm old) attending Western Michigan University and learning about Erikson's Psychosocial Developmental stages in my undergrad Child Development classes. According to Erikson, the entire first year of a babies life is based on trust vs. mistrust. This is the simple concept that a baby learns to trust his caregivers and know that they will meet his immediate needs. Meeting our son's needs does teach him independence, since he'll never have to wonder, worry or question if we will be there. This early lesson gives him confidence and knowledge that we will always be there even when he goes off on his own, something both Matt and I want for him in his life.
Jayden is a happy, healthy and determined baby and Matt and I feel good about what we are doing to raise him so far (talk to us in about 10 years when we are loosing our minds)! Does it really matter how long I nurse him or if he's sleeping through the night yet? After all, I don't know any 16 year olds that are still nursing or need to be rocked to sleep at night.
It's been WAY too long, as usual, since my last post. This working from home while being a full time mommy thing is definitely keeping me beyond busy. I wouldn't change anything for the world, however, since I get to love on my little man day and night. So, what better way to get this blog back up and running than beginning with a moment of thanks.
I wouldn't even know where to begin with my list of what I am grateful for in life. God has truly blessed me with an overwhelming amount of love. I wake up next to a man who makes my heart smile every day, hold a beautiful happy baby in my arms day and night, have a house which brings me comfort and relaxation, and work at a job that encourages me to serve and love on others daily. I have to remind myself when I am having one of those tough days, that I really have a great life in this world and instead of worrying, wondering, crying, and whining, I need to be thanking, loving, and keep a servant heart.
There was a time when I thought I would never feel as happy and as grateful as I do now. As a young college student almost 10 years ago, my life was challenging. I made some poor choices and found myself facing an unexpected pregnancy. I felt alone, unsure, and utterly disappointed in myself. I struggled with the guilt of letting my family down. I broke promises I had made to those who loved me and to God. I struggled with body image, self-esteem and self-worth, and discovered that I was not liking who I had become. After spending the entire 9 months of pregnancy trying to figure out what to do, I made a decision.
Sitting in the hospital room with my mom and pregnancy counselor, I shared with them both that I was going to place this perfectly sweet baby boy for adoption. I was going to find a family that could love on him as much as I could and provide for him the things that I could not. I was going to give him a mom and dad who's hearts were SO ready for a baby, but could not have one of their own. I was going to make sure that whomever I chose, they would share with my baby how much I loved him. This family would let him know that this seemingly impossible plan of adoption was made in complete love to give him the very best life possible. My heart ached and still does when I think about that exact moment of realization. But, I have never regretted this decision. I have always known it to be the most selfless decision in putting my baby first and knowing that he deserved more than I could give at that time. And since I have an open adoption with my son (who will be 10 years old this March), I have one more amazing child (and family) to be thankful for!!
I will always be one thankful mama, because I have two baby boys in my life always and forever, whom I love more than life itself. What a beautiful Thanksgiving Day this will be!
So, I've started this blog like 12 times now, but with what life likes to hand me on a daily basis, it's been tough actually completing any of it! I finally have a little break on a lazy Sunday afternoon to get this out to all you parents out there. My topic this time around...sleep! Specifically, who the heck needs it anyway?
It's no secret that Jayden was definitely NOT the easiest newborn. He had all kinds of issues - poor baby. As shared in my earlier blog, my overproduction of milk caused some pretty rough tummy troubles for my little man every time he ate. With nursing, you can expect to feed your infant every two or three hours in the beginning, since your milk just goes right through them. So, you can guess how much of our time was spent with a crying newborn. The tummy troubles gave us the fabulous gift of colic, making our Spaetzel family household a fun place to be for the first 15 weeks of Jayden's life. In addition, he was diagnosed with having some reflux just for kicks. Yes, life in the beginning was a sad state of affairs, but I must admit, I still had moments of utter love when snuggling with that tiny newborn, crying and all.
During those first few months, I just held onto the moments that brought me complete happiness and peace. The days of rocking Jayden on my chest to soft lullaby's and drifting in and out of a light sleep are long gone, but memories that I will forever love. These were the times that got me through it all. Now the idea in my mind of what it would be like with a new baby in our home was NOTHING like the reality that all the colic and lack of sleep brought me. I worked hard for the first eight weeks to attempt to get some kind of routine together. Not a routine for the baby, but for myself in actually functioning outside of newborn land.
We did not have many visitors - simply because I struggled so very much with the whole nursing, new baby, sleep when he sleeps sort of life. I cried more in the first few months of Jayden's life than I had throughout my entire pregnancy. That my friends is a lot of crying, since I was a blubbering mess during pregnancy. I felt frustrated and sad that being a new mom did not come super easy for me. The endless love and caring for Jadyen came easy for me, but understanding how to make that fit into a regular life did not. Going to the store, taking a walk, having visitors stop by - it was all too much for me at first. I eventually figured it out WAY after it seemed that all the other moms had. In my own time, the routine of life eventually fit.
When I finally figured out a routine for myself, and Jayden became a new, happy and content baby (around 4 months), I discovered another issue that began to take over - severe sleep deprivation! I know that most babies bring parents a healthy heaping dose of sleep deprivation from the very start, but Jadyen, well, he's something special when it comes to this area of babyhood. Our child does not like to sleep...ever! From the time he was born (and even in utero), he's always been very active and always wanting to move. He lived in my sleepy wrap for the first 4 months, just so that I could get him to sleep. While I moved, he slept. But, staying still to rest his little eyes and tired body is obviously just not an option for Jayden. His naps are not any better, as a 20-30 minute power nap a few times a day is all he needs.
Our family is not big on sleep training. And to be honest, the one time I tried to let him cry for a little while, the experience of it all did not go over well for either of us. Jayden is a determined little soul and leaving him to cry-it-out did not end with a sleeping child. He would only accelerate his cries to the point where his whole body was shaking and breathing heavy as he tried to calm himself down. It breaks my heart even to document this horrible experience. I can remember picking up this little baby who had been left to cry alone in his crib. He was so sad, his eyes red from crying and his breath skipping a beat to try and calm down as I held him in my arms. For me, the experience was just as terrible. I'm just the sort of hippie mom who loves to hold and snuggle my baby to sleep, and this was just not for me or my husband.
So, it was on to figuring out another way to soothe our little man into dreamland for an entire night. I made sure to read about 10 different books on attachment parenting and sleep. The problem is not getting him to sleep each evening, the problem is getting Jayden to stay asleep. A typical night in our house begins with Jadyen being rocked/bounced to sleep around 8:30/9:00. He sleeps in his crib until about midnight or even 1am if we are lucky, and is up about two or three more times until morning. Now we do co-sleep in our house, and with our new king size Tempur-pedic bed, co-sleeping has just become even more wonderful. Jayden, however, has recently started crawling and moving and loves to rule the bed. Now Matt and I find ourselves heading to the nursery to rock/nurse/bounce him back to sleep and place him sweetly back into his crib. We laugh (or cry) when morning comes, replaying the nights events for one another, and trying to see who remembers the actual occurrences of when Jayden work up each time. We play the game of who got up and rocked him last. It's all in fun, since we know we are both exhausted and no one really got a good nights rest.
Will this ever change? Will Jadyen ever get the memo about needing sleep or that his mom and dad would love to sleep more than 4 hours in a row? Well, I can't say that I don't hold out hope. We do have many jokes around this house, Matt and I, about our sleepless child. But in the end, for us, it really doesn't matter. We don't feel like we need a strict routine or plan for our 7 month old. We understand as he gets older things will be a bit different, but for now I think we both appreciate being blessed with a healthy, happy, absolutely adorable (and in my mind, perfect) baby boy. I know that life can be a lot worse and people can have extremely challenging issues to deal with when it comes to parenting. So, we put things in perspective and realize that in the big picture of life, waking up a few times a night during our first few years, is insignificant. The most important thing is that we are enjoying this journey of being new parents together. And to that I say, who needs sleep anyway?!
